How to stop comparing yourself to others

Walk Central Park at night and call your Dad

It’s been a small goal of mine to go to a glossy/dressy Shabbat dinner, and I went to one last night. Why a goal? Oh, because I saw some photos of one that looked fun and exclusive, and I’m leaning towards the conclusion that religion is important. It was on 57th just off Park Ave (glossy!). Half the crowd was born in what was then the Soviet Union but found each other in America. One guy, early on when we all stood in the doorway after just arriving and making intros, asked one woman if she was standing in Customs line at the airport in Israel two weeks ago. She said yes, we laughed, but no one said “wow small world” which I can only assume means this happens often.

We went around and said what we’re grateful for. I said I was just grateful to be there. The others had more meaningful things to say. It meant a lot to be there though at the end of a hard week.

I walked there from our apartment on the Upper West through Central Park at night. It’s cold now so I get to wear my bright red north face puffer which is clearly for mountaineering but I think looks good with Zegnas. I took the long way through the park to clear my head, and ended up calling my Dad (rare!). For whatever reason, I opened up and explained why it was a hard week and he opened up too. He’s 70 and everyone’s shocked he made it to 70. There’s a tangent here about fairness and health and luck, but we’ll move on. I asked him “do you compare yourself to anyone” and he said he said “no I stoped doing that five years ago”, really quick too. That’s so specific I asked “what happened”, and he said, “when we found out I had lung cancer, a lot more people than I ever imagined showed me a lot more kindness than I deserved. I felt I had to repay them and I can’t compete on money. I could only offer kindness back, that’s pretty much it besides burning some CDs with a playlist for Christmas gifts.” We talked about values and he said his changed at 65. He said even at 62 he’d see someone in a nice truck and be jealous, and think he needs a nice truck too. I asked “did any of that serve you in any way, even a little, I’m really trying to know if comparing does any good” and he literally said “I’ve made some good calls about changing lanes in traffic by comparing which one’s moving faster, but that’s about it.”

Teddy Rosevelt said comparison is the thief of joy. I think it can be a lot worse than that. Comparison is a sickness, especially if you’re naturally hard on yourself. The worst is when it’s over, you snap back to your life and realize a lot of time just went by. Time-saving/time-machines seem to be the highest value things we can build and offer (remember those Scott Galloway talks?). Comparison steals all of that.

This morning, I woke up while still dreaming a little. It was a memory of exactly how it felt to move into our first studio apartment together. Kouka and I were so happy (I was very grateful in hindsight but I wouldn’t have used those words). It felt like we had it all. But for a fact, if I compare the price, size, and location of that apartment vs ours today, our incomes then vs now, a whole bunch of things than can be objective, we’re doing so much better now. That feeling, brought on by that memory, rocked my world. Feeling the real feeling when you’ve been feeling a diluted version of the feeling makes you realize how far gone that feeling’s really been, if that makes sense.

Anyways, this is why “religion” is important. “Religion” here I’m almost using in the secular sense of just “mindfulness”. You cannot let your value set be determined for you by the current world. It must be set by you, or taught to you from someone who studied the past.

Who knows what’s going on in everyone else’s heads. Photo by Hanvin Cheong